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I’m just going to put down my shovel and shut up.

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Life has a number of fine lines. Today we’re going to talk about one of them. Love.

Love is bizarre. You can be so in love with somebody, the rest of the world could fall apart and you wouldn’t notice, but you’d notice if their bangs sat differently than they did yesterday, even though they styled their hair the same way. You’d be able to tell their mood and why they are feeling that way by the sound of their voice alone, but that client could spell it out in big block letters a 4 year old could understand and you still might need to look at the PowerPoint slides again.

This is quite possibly the best part of life I have seen thus far.

But with the best parts comes the worst. Maybe things aren’t so great for the other person. Maybe they need a change. Maybe you’re not at the same point in life they are. Maybe they can’t even explain it, but something is wrong, and you don’t see eye to eye. Now you move from love, this epic high point in life, into depression and loss of love. This now, is quite possibly the worst part of life I have seen. You’re on top of the world, but something made you trip, and now the world is on you, and it hurts. Reason and logic are not found in this world. Only pain and suffering.

Thankfully, despite being the worst part of life, their is still hope. Through all the darkness and sorrow, a hand reaches out and helps you up. It keeps you going, and shines a little bit of light down there. Eventually this hand helps you back into the real world and life continues.

The hand takes the form of many things. Friends and family, counselors and psychologists, coworkers, music, hobbies, and sometimes rebound sex all contribute to this great hand. You will still cry once in awhile. You’ll have down days where it seems hopeless, but between these times, hopefully you’ve been helped up a little more, and you don’t fall down as far as you did before. The hole has gotten smaller. The hand helps you climb, but it gives you a bit of a safety net too. You’ll fall back down many times on your journey back to normality, but at least you don’t fall all the way back down (hopefully not anyway).

I just fell a little bit. But the fall wasn’t that big. It was kind of like falling off your bike, not like falling out of an plane…with snakes on it…

A friend picked me up and dusted me off. Thank you.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

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Well written article on girls in gaming.

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Love and logic are two completely different subjects. In fact, they are flat out opposites. The problem is that logic pales in comparison. Love would beat up logic, slash the tires on Logic’s Mercedes, and then steal Logic’s hot girlfriend, and make her do things in bed which are illegal in some parts of the world.

The inherent problem for me is I am an engineer. I look for logic. Explanations. Reason. I think I’m destined to be confused and frustrated with love for the rest of my life, solely based on the fact I’ll be trying to answer ‘why’ questions all the time, with no answer possible. If you get an impossible question on your math assignment, you eventually find out, because the next class your prof tells you. If you ask your psychologist why something in this realm happened, all they can do is shrug. These people have studied this for years, and they still don’t have the slightest clue. You can’t even begin to form an answer.

This really causes me no problems falling in love. When you fall in love, the loss of logic and reason fall away in favor of happiness and sheer joy of having found somebody you connect to. It’s going the other way that’s the problem. When the other person leaves and cuts the connection without warning. Then you have a rogue fire hose effect. So many emotions are now flowing out of you but they have nowhere in particular to go. You might try to close the hose, but then all these feelings build up inside you and mix around. But they come out anyway. Depression, anger, hate, loneliness, despair, rage, and all the other worse emotions that humans can feel. It typically starts with depression, and the remainder become a product of that initial depression (Unless the breakup happened because of cheating, then it might start with anger. Other reasons for the breakup cause other initial reactions).

What makes things worse is if you see the other person progressing at a much faster pace than you are…oh never mind I could rant about this for a long time, but I won’t. Basically it just makes life harder on you, because it’s easier on them.

So now the big question: what the !@$% are you supposed to do? Nothing. You can’t do anything in particular except live. Continue on with your life. Hopefully you have a couple of hobbies to help. Play video games, watch movies, play musical instruments, go hang out with friends and have a few drinks (don’t get drunk by yourself, but getting a little trashed with some friends while you’re having fun is totally cool), ride your bike, run, read, clean your house. Do something to keep you busy. At the same time, however, don’t shut these things out. You will cry. You will feel like shit. Talk about it. Talk to friends. If it gets really bad, go talk to a psychologist. As much as the other person might hate it, you have to talk to them to (situation permitting). Whatever you do, do not jump into another relationship. This WILL go badly.

This is all I can so far. It’s advice I’m taking and, while some days it really doesn’t feel like it, it does help. With some time, you will be able to love again. You might be able to continue a friendship with the other person. But right now is not the time.

I apologize to those I’ve hurt. I don’t mean to take things out on you. I’ll get better, stronger, faster, harder and life will be alright again. Thanks for being there when I needed you the most.

Thanks to all my friends who’ve been there for me. I appreciate it beyond words.

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I know I am loved in return for my love. The coefficient of restitution isn’t as near to 1 as I’d like, but there is ROI. I am thankful for that.

This is my little light. This one simple fact that love is returned keeps me going.

It still appears as a black box though. I am unsure of what happens before the love comes back. I don’t know where some of it disappears to, but I value what does come back.

You know who you are. Thank you.

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Relationships are wonderful. You share laughs and cries, and everything in between. There’s another lesser known fact about relationships though. You lose some shit.

The other person takes your stuff.

It’s not a bad thing, however. Let me explain.

When you first start out, just hanging out, you’re careful to not leave anything behind and the other person’s house/apartment/tent under a bridge. You’re not sure about the whole situation, so who needs to forget things. But then things start to work a little bit, sparks fly, clothes come off, etc. Maybe you leave a hat, or a hair tie or something. Now these little things you leave aren’t really the big deal. It’s the things the other person takes.

They don’t take things in some serious ‘this is mine’ way. They take things in a joking, playful way. Usually it’s clothes: hoodies, pajama pants, T shirt…something quick like that. It’s usually because they are crashing at your place, and need something to sleep in, or are walking home and it’s cold out. Now at first you give them the item of clothing. Like I said, they need something to sleep in or it’s cold, so you’re a nice person and offer up something (I’m writing this from the guy’s perspective with a female ‘other person’, but it works for all scenarios). Eventually, it becomes their piece of clothing at your place. If they are over and you’re having a lazy day, they are wearing that stuff. Even further down the road, it just ends up at their place, because they like wearing it so much, they wear it around their place when they are having a lazy day.

But you don’t care. You care a little bit, because it’s usually some article of clothing you enjoy wearing too, but hey, you’re a nice person, so you offered it to them. Shit. But you still don’t really care. You care to the point of playful wrestling at times and make a weak effort to tickle it away from the person or something, but when you lose, you have a stupid grin on your face, because you’re happy they are kind of attached to this piece of clothing.

But what happens when you break up? A few things can happen. If you break up badly (cheating, for example) they can be a bitch and keep your shit, but more often than not, they will probably make extra effort to get all your shit back to you, possibly by throwing it. If you break up cleanly it’s different. If you’re in love and you break up cleanly, it’s even more different. If you break up cleanly, you might get things back right away, in an effort to prevent awkwardness so you can still be friends. They might keep you things for a while though, maybe to ease out of things.

Now if you love the person, there is a whole different philosophy about the clothing. And by whole different philosophy I mean some shit I came up with today when I was walking home and had nothing to do but think. This philosophy doesn’t apply to all situations though, it’s just something I’ve mapped things to in my own life.

If you love the person, like really love, they have your heart. You’ve given it to them to care for, and to have and to hold (in a metaphorical sense, as cheesy as that sounds). Kind of like the clothes you gave them. Clothes are very symbolic in this scenario as well, because they wrap the person up, cover their body, protect them. It’s like you are there keeping them safe when they wear them. If you break up cleanly when you love the person, this can still be there. Maybe you aren’t at the same place in life, and you want something different. Things happen, but it doesn’t mean you just up and stop loving the person. Hopefully, you’ll stay friends and hang out. This is why you might not see your pajama pants for some time. You still care for the person, and they still feel it, so you don’t whine too much about not having your pants back, nor do they make the effort to get them to you. Despite the fact you broke up for a reason, the feelings might still be there.

That’s why I kind of felt bad taking my pants back today. I know she still loves me as a friend, I still love her to death, but to have the pants come back…I dunno. One part of me said “yes, finally I can sleep in these again” (granted they are a warmer pair of pants and summer is upon us), but a bigger part of me thought ”...are you sure? You don’t want them anymore?”. Two months to the day, and my pants come back. They were sort of a last piece for both of us to physically and metaphorically hold onto, but now since I have them again, it doesn’t work as well.

I mean, it’s not like she threw them back at me “take your pants back!”. She felt bad about still having my pants after two months, which corresponds to how she feels about my heart. She doesn’t want to hold onto it forever, lest I can never hold hers.

All this over pants.

It hurts a little to have them back, but it’s part of the healing process.

It’s things like this that make me believe more and more that I’ll never fall out of love with her, but simply become more adept at dealing with the fact that I am in love (more on this later). She’s an amazing girl, and she’ll be in my heart. Any time she wants some pajama pants to sleep, I’ll be ready if she’ll wear mine.

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